LAUGHTRIP: A “leaked” copy of Noynoy Aquino’s SONA this afternoon!

Just a few hours before President Aquino’s scheduled State of the Nation address this afternoon, investigative magazine Newsbreak posted in its website (http://www.newsbreak.ph/2011/07/25/leaked-copy-of-pnoys-sona) a satire of what the President will say later. His was written by a person using the Twitter handler @I_amHolo. Obviously, many people think that Aquino’s 2^nd SONA will only be a big joke. Let’s just hope that Aquino does not turn his 2^nd annual “accomplishment” report into a blame-everything-on-Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo speech. Here’s the speech text (have I told you this one’s only a satire?):

UPDATE: The official transcript of the President’s real State of the Nation Address can now be accessed here:http://rightonthemark.wordpress.com/2011/07/25/transcript-of-president-noynoy-aquinos-2011-state-of-the-nation-address.

(please CHECK AGAINST DELIVERY)

State of the Nation Address of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
to the Congress of the Philippines
Session Hall of the House of Representatives
July 25, 2011

Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile.

Vice President Jejomar Binay, I know Junjun was just trying to be witty, but it offended Kris and me.

Chief Justice Renato Corona, tigilan mo ang Hacienda Luisita. Why don’t you distribute Iggy Arroyo’s hacienda?

Former Presidents Fidel Valdez Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada, and she who shall not be named for she is absent.

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps;

Mga minamahal kong kaibigan, kaklase, kabarilan:

(SEC. OCHOA, SEC. LACIERDA, KIEF RAVENA AND OTHERS WILL STAND UP AND CHANT “ANIMO ARENEOW!”)

Sa bawat sandali po ng pamamahala ay nahaharap tayo sa isang sangangdaan.

Sa isang banda po ay ang tuwid na daan. Mula Valenzuela, nakaabot ako ng Singapore, para lang makahanap ng First Lady ng bayan.

Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Kaya ibinenta ko ang aking Porsche. Mungkahi ni Mar at Anne Curtis, mag-MRT na lang ako. Wala nang wangwang, wala pang counterflow.

Bago ko man kayo iniligaw, matagal na pong naligaw ang pamahalaan sa daang baluktot. Araw-araw po, lalong lumilinaw sa akin ang lawak ng problemang ating namana. Damang-dama ko ang bigat ng mga kasalanan ni Gloria. Mabuti na lang absent siya.

Sa unang taon ng aming panunungkulan, marami po kaming natuklasan. Nais ko pong ipahayag sa inyo ang iilan lamang sa mga namana nating suliranin at ang ginagawa naming hakbang para lutasin ang mga ito.

Sulyap lamang po ito; hindi pa ito ang lahat ng problemang haharapin natin. Inilihim at sadyang iniligaw ang sambayanan sa totoong kalagayan ng ating bansa.

Dahil kay Gloria, may toll free increase at oil price hike.

Dahil kay Gloria, umabot po ng tatlong bilyong piso ang utang ng PCSO.

Dahil kay Gloria, isanlibong porsyento naman ang itinaas ng utang ng NFA.

Dahil kay Gloria, may climate change at binaha ang Metro Manila.

Dahil kay Gloria, nag-away si Heart Evangelista at Marian Rivera.

Dahil kay Gloria, naging “alleged” victim si Amanda Coling.

Dahil kay Gloria, si Bedol ay naka bullet-proof vest at si Zaldy ay may “insignificant coronary artery disease.”

Dahil kay Gloria, nawalan ako ng love life at nalagas ang aking hairline.

To you who were once a President, this advice: Mind your own district. Mind your own hairdo. If you really want something done, just be a Congresswoman. Don’t pussyfoot. Don’t pander. And don’t wear your neck brace in public.

(10-MINUTE STANDING OVATION BY  THE BALAY GROUP. TAKE A YOSI BREAK. WAIT UNTIL KORINA IS DONE WITH HER LIVE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MAR)

Sa administrasyon po natin, walang kota-kota, walang tongpats, ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang. Hayaan na nating si Willie ang mamudmod ng Pajero.

Pasalamatan natin ang mga Obispo at sinauli nila ang mga SUV.

(STANDING OVATION: PCSO CHAIR MARGIE JUICO)

At sa wakas, napatalsik din natin si Merci! Hindi yan nagawa ni Gloria! Yan ang malaking lamang ko sa kanya.

Pero mga kababayan ko, hindi biro ang mamili ng Ombudsman, lalo na kung ang pinagpipilian ay isang 70-year old (former Supreme Court Justice Conchita Carpio Morales) at isang 78-year old (former Justice Sec. Artemio Tuquero). May napili na ako.

(SMILES AT THE GROUP OF BUDGET SECRETARY FLORENCIO “BUTCH” ABAD AND OTHER ‘BALAY’ MEMBERS)

Kapayapaan at katahimikan po ang pundasyon ng kaunlaran. Ito ang patakaran natin sa loob ng bansa at maging sa pakikitungo sa mga dayuhan. Palakaibigan ang ating lahi ngunit kung inaapi, lumalaban.

Kamakailan lang ay sinakal ng dalawang Tsino ang aking brother-in-law habang nasa eroplano. Sumusobra na ang panghihimasok at agresyon ng Tsina, hindi lang sa West Philippine Sea kundi pati na rin sa Cebu Pacific.

Kagyat na gumawa ng hakbang ang ating pamahalaan upang ipagtanggol ang ating soberanya at kasarinlan.

Pina-deport na ng Bureau of Immigration ang dalawang Chinese na umatake sa asawa ni Ballsy sa loob mismo ng ating himpapawid.

(STANDING OVATION: AQUINO SISTERS)

Kasama ang buong sandatahang lakas ng Pilipinas, ipapadala natin sa Spratlys sina Cong. Manny Pacquiao at Mayor Sara Duterte upang ipagtanggol ang ating interes laban sa Tsina. Sa pakikitungo natin sa Tsina, kamay na bakal ang kailangan.

(EXPECT Teresita Ang–See TO WALK OUT))

Papeteks-peteks lang daw ako sa Palasyo.

There isn’t a day I do not work or a waking moment when I do not think through a work-related problem. Even my critics cannot begrudge me for the long hours I put in.

Our people deserve a government that works just as hard as they do.

A President must be on the job 24/7, ready for any contingency, any crisis, anywhere, anytime.

Check out my schedule, ang busy-busy ko.

(MAI MISLANG FLASHES SCHEDULE ON THE VIDEO WALL)

9: 00 am              Wake up; Take a bath

9:30                     Breakfast; Meeting with Aquino sisters; Watch Kris TV

10:45                  Yosi break

11:00                  Meeting with “Bad news bearer” number 1

11: 15                 Yosi break

11:30                  Meeting with “bad news bearer” number 2

11:45                  Yosi Break

12:00 nn             Meeting with “bad news bearer” number 3

1:00 pm               Late lunch

2:00 pm               Siesta

3:00                      Meeting with Samar group

3:15                      Yosi break

3:30                     Meeting with Balay group

4:00                     Target-shooting with buddies in preparation for Chinese occupation of the Spratly Islands

5:00 pm               Recreation (DoTA on PSP); bonding with Josh and Bimby

6:00 pm         Me-time without media

Look at my picture, ang haggard-haggard ko:

(MAI MISLANG FLASHES PICTURE ON THE WALL)

Why do people marry? Because of lack of knowledge. Why do people separate? Because of lack of experience. Why do people remarry? Because of loss of memory. I urge Congress to pass the Divorce Bill.

(MOMENT NI KRIS. MAG-ISA SIYANG PAPALAKPAK AT TATAWA. WALANG KOKONTRA: “AHAHAHAHAHA. SI NOY TALAGA, WITTY AND PEANUT BITTER. LOVE IT!”)

I also remain committed to push the passage of a law for responsible parenthood. But I understand that it’s not a priority measure of the legislative executive development advisory council (LEDAC).

Kagyat tayong umupo sa LEDAC at pinag-usapan ang mga mahahalagang batas na kailangan nating ipasa. Halimbawa:

An Act Regulating the placement of billboards. To all advertisers, don’t distort nature. There are no volcanoes along the Pasig River.

An Act Prohibiting the use of the words “Muslim” and “Christian” in Mass Media.

(ATTN: NEWS EDITORS: CENSOR OUT “MUSLIM” AND “CHRISTIAN” IN YOUR COVERAGE. USE “TOTOTOOOOOT OR ********** WHERE APPROPRIATE)

And finally, in place of the Freedom of Information (FOI) Bill, I enjoin Congress to enact a law banning media coverage of my flings. I’ve had enough of gossipy and trivial reporting like Newsbreak’s Inside Track piece on my Hotdog concert date.

Kung gusto niyo akong maging produktibo sa trabaho, tantanan niyo ang love life ko.

And this is a matter of personal and foreign affairs.

Ang mandato nating nakuha sa huling eleksyon ay patunay na umaasa pa rin ang Pilipino sa pagbabago. Iba na talaga ang sitwasyon. Puwede na muling mangarap. Tayo nang tumungo sa katuparan ng ating mga pinangarap. Sama-sama nating tahakin angtuwid na daan kahit walang paroroonan.

Habang wala pa rin akong Kumander, kayo pa rin ang boss ko.

Maraming salamat po.

(GIVES COPY OF THE SONA TO SECRETARY RICKY CARANDANG, WHO IS NOW ALLOWED TO UPLOAD IT TO WWW.GOV.PH ^[4])

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Mark Pere Madrona

The Filipino Scribe (TFS) is managed by Mark Pere Madrona, a multi-awarded writer and licensed professional teacher from the Philippines.

Mr. Madrona earned his master’s degree in history from the University of the Philippines-Diliman last 2020. He obtained his bachelor’s degree in journalism cum laude from the same university back in 2010. His area of interests includes Philippine journalism, history, and politics as well as social media.

Know more about him here: https://www.filipinoscribe.com/about/.

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